Her Simple Ramblings...: Long rambling post, may not make sense to you..haha

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Long rambling post, may not make sense to you..haha

I was sitting for a while thinking about the people and experiences that have helped shape who I am, and who have given me different perspectives on life.
What/who would I be now if they hadn't come into my life when they did? The small circle of friends I've had since I was 15 really had a big role in giving me my life back, whether they know it or not.

They're still my good friends, I just live 350 miles away from them. I miss the bitchfest rants we'd have, the stupid drunken moments that we're glad we remember, yet are ashamed of strangers knowing, I miss the ability to completely be my dorky self and have them pretty much blowing up with laughter..ah hell I just miss them. Hope I can see them soon. I crave to be around my soul sisters..because to me that is what they are.

I also wonder what I'd be like if my parents had pushed me harder to do better in school, if they hadn't spoiled me and let me get away with so much, if they had encouraged me to take risks.

I'll admit it. I am a complete, and total HUGE chicken shit. I'm afraid to do something that may make someone angry with me. I'm afraid to do or say something so that I won't appear stupid. I'm afraid to take chances because I'm afraid of a bad outcome. Hell I'm afraid of life being hard. I can hardly walk into stores alone sometimes because of the fear of people looking and thinking to themselves "Oh here comes that fugly fat chick to buy food"

Well SHIT! I finally realized that I am only making it harder on myself to live in fear of these things. It makes me think of the things that I COULD right now be accomplishing, or have already accomplished, except for I'm constantly driving myself crazy with these What if thoughts gone bad!

I could have already graduated high school when I should have (like 6 years ago).
I could have stuck with eating healthy and regular gym attendance, I could even be doing that now.
I could keep on top of housework in half the time it takes me once i let it build up.

Yeah, so now after typing all that I'm feeling like a complete loser. But I'm glad to have gotten it off my chest..even if it is only onto a computer screen.

My thoughts tend to veer in this direction when I'm thinking about life. I just wonder how much better (or worse) my life could be if I had just swallowed back the fear and took a chance.

In the last couple years I've slowly begun to realize that life is what I make of it. Yeah, cheesy cliche but I feel that it's so true.

Really..5 years ago if you had told me I was going to move to a different country, and marry the man that I had then hated, and then told me I'd be happy? I'd have thought you were nuts and told ya to go fuck yourself.

Even 6 months ago..if you had told me that in 6 months time I would actually feel content in my relationship? I'd have still thought you were nuts and told ya the same thing.

Now? 6 months later? I can honestly say I'm happy where I am. I'm not afraid of being so far away from everyone and everything I've known my whole life.

I TOOK A CHANCE, for the first time in my life..I took a chance, and no matter how hard this first year was, how many fights we had, how much sadness I felt daily, how often I had planned in my mind of just sneaking off back home without a note to my husband. I stuck with it! And I am actually happier because of it. Our respect for each other was earned, and I am glad to say that I do in fact enjoy the companionship I have with him

Oh gosh..what a post..Went from pondering, to self hating, to cheesy n lovey all in one. Just figured that I'd write something true while I was thinking of it, instead of the usual blah blah blah that I normally post..but I feel better for getting it out of my system!

6 comment(s):

WOW!! You and I are WAY TOO MUCH ALIKE!!!

I seem to spend most of my life doing the "What If" thing and always falling back on the same lame-ass excuses. . .

I might fail. . .

They'll make fun of me. . .

I can't do it. . .

I'm too ugly. . . Too fat. . . whatever. . .

Bless your heart for posting this. . .

Good for you in sticking with your hubby, despite the bad moments. If you can really communicate with each other (not just talk without listening, bitch, rant. . .), you'll be fine. . .

How's the new place coming along? I haven't scrolled down far enough to know yet. . .

Love ya!!!

By Lauren, at 8:08 p.m.

I love this post..as I read along I found myself nodding my head because I have those "wonder what would have happened.." moments too. Esp. about the fate thing. I wish I had taken care of this problem when I was 10 or 20 lbs over and not 100+ lbs like I am now. Many people tell me to attack it in small amounts but I just can't see that far down the road. But I do know I have to do something about it. I'm glad you are staying and things are getting much better...hugz, Linda

By Linda, at 9:10 p.m.

You are like the voice in my head.
I am still a little behind in that I know if I type it all out, I may need to face the issues.

Thanks for having this blog.

By Anonymous, at 1:01 a.m.

i know EXACTLY what yer talking about...five or so years ago if it was said i would be looking to be over 15,000km away from everything and everyone i have ever known, married to a hillbillie... i would have thought you were deluded.

i guess it just proves what can happen if you allow it huh...tho i'm not looking forward to working til i'm bloody seventy to have what i used to have.

and hmmm i will have to look up where you are in correlation to where i'll be in northern ky.

By apositivepessimist, at 3:06 a.m.

Thanks for stopping by my blog!

Don't beat yourself up too much about the "what if" stuff. Yes, it's good to realize mistakes we've made, otherwise we'll make 'em over and over again. But on the other hand, we have to move on and worry about today and tomorrow, too. Easier said than done, I know. ;)

By Ethel, at 8:57 p.m.

i can relate so much to some of what you said. i'm always afraid to take a chance. the "what ifs"
i'm overweight and i hate going out to dinner. i like the part where you don't have to clean up the dishes afterwards but i'm very much aware of what i eat. and i wonder what other diners think.

By Lisa, at 12:53 p.m.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Long rambling post, may not make sense to you..haha

6 comment(s):

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