Ear Infucktion
I can't sleep worth a shit, so thankfully I've got access to a computer this morning. So how about I let ya all know my weekly drama update - GAG!
I spent the week in Toronto visiting with my brother, then I got to see my good friend Butterfly (real name won't be used here). It was so good to see her, as she was really the only one out of all my friends who couldn't make it down to see me in Ohio.
I sent a heartfelt letter to the idiot explaining to him how I felt, and that if he ever thought we were going to have a chance again he'd have to move here to Canada. He said no way, and then he sent me a string of rude, crude e-mails doing nothing but calling me names and insulting me. Yeah good way of trying to get me back..asshole!
I came back from Toronto on Friday. I needed to see a doctor like immediately. I felt like the right side of my head and ear were going to explode into millions of pieces.
Turns out that I have an ear infection. UGH! I will never ever ever again tell my friends kids to suck it up and quit whining when they have one. I have never felt such excruciating pain in my head, ear and jaw like this was. The doc gave me a prescription for antibiotic pills, antibiotic ear drops, and a nice big bottle of tylenol 3's (which didn't do too well considering I had to beg mom for a couple percosets).
It's starting to heal up nicely, but now I've got a cold coming on full force, not to mention the anguish my allergies are putting me through. Ugh!
Saturday was Booboo and Marc's birthday party, I did make it, but I didn't drink and I crashed early. They put on a really colorful and fun drag show which I did stay up long enough to see, as I always know that Booboo dressed as a chick will impress even the most sheltered homophobe.
So I'm at a friends near Gravenhurst again. Not sure how long I'll be here for. It's so calm and relaxing here, and there are many plants and cats (now that's my cup of tea) for me to admire and play with, and lots of movies that have come out in the last year for me to watch.
I'll admit it. I'm actually feeling quite down and low. Even though I left him on my terms and because of what happened, I just can't completely shut off my feelings for him.
One minute I'm crying because I miss him, my kitties, and my own home, but then on the other side of that I'm happy that I have the freedom to do whatever and have no responsibilities. I guess I could say that I feel lost. Even though I was homesick in Ohio, it became my home. I got used to doing things my way, having the kitchen set up my way, surrounded by my plants, our stuff, having a warm comfortable body to snuggle up to at night. Gawd, you know I can't even bring myself to contact an old fuck buddy for a quick screw because I'd feel like I was cheating or doing something wrong. I just feel all fucked up, turned around and not sure which way to go.
I was kind of hoping for some type of reconciliation, even after what happened I was willing to give it another try, but after those emails this past week, and the more I think oh how fucked up this situation is the more I don't want to go back.
Yeah I'm sad now, lonely, feeling completely inadequate and insecure, but there has to be better things in the future for me. I just need to get through this, and things most likely will look brighter when I finally shake off this ear infection.
Well shit, it's almost 6 AM, gonna go see whats on tv, everyone is starting to wake up, and the kitties are roaming. Have a good day!
Monday Mumblings! Hello!
Wow, I've been without access to the internet for a whole week and it really didn't bother me one bit. Am I getting sick, coming down with some horrible disease that makes me not have 'net withdrawls? I'm feeling my forehead to see if I was slightly feverish, but I'm not. Whew!
I'm in Toronto visiting my brother for a few days. Man, did I ever miss this place. He's got an amazing view of the waterfront and all the huge buildings that makes Toronto's skyline so beautiful. I love sitting out on the balcony at night. If I wasn't such a country hick at heart I'd move back here in a second.
This has been an interesting weekend for sure. One of my sisters bought a new house, and she hosted a housewarming party on Saturday. This was just a perfect reason for all of our family to get drunk, be retarded assholes, and have lots of fights. Yikes!
It was fun for most of it. We had the tunes going, eating good food, drinking good Canadian beer, oh and there was a hot tub just dying to be used. I really don't know how the hell we were all able to fit in that thing.
See, I say it was mostly fun..that is until the next morning. I awoke to absolute fucking chaos. Everyone that was awake were screaming at the top of their lungs to wake us up. Dad pissed the bed (oh gawd that shit again?). My sister Val had drank most of another sisters bottle of whiskey, and they were being absolute bitches. Another of my sisters had missed her appointment for cable hookup so there she was sitting on the floor bawling like a baby, then she misplaced her fucking cup of coffee and she bawled even more.
Aye aye aye...know what my solution was? Considering I was hungover with a pounding headache I grabbed the bottle of whiskey those two sisters were fighting over and I chugged it down straight. I figured holy fuckin hell, if I can't beat 'em, join 'em.
We left my sisters place and I was dropped off here downtown, and then forgot which apartment my brother lived in. I got in the elevator and pressed the fucking parking garage 2 button..then I was like DUH 12th floor dummy, so up I went. I get out of the elevator and reading the numbers on the doors and I finally come to his door. I'm standing there knocking away, and nobody is answering the door. For some reason the number thirteen is nagging at me from the back of my mind. I go to the next door (it has a 13 on it) and sure enough that was the correct place.
We sat on the balcony and had a cocktail, then went for a late lunch. He wanted sushi, but I was all eww gross. He said I could get other stuff there so I got shrimp teriyaki. Hey I used chopsticks for the first time in my life and I actually did it properly. Oh man the food was so good. I even tried some of his sushi..some was good, but the other stuff was just a little too weird for my tastes. Y'know...having some little tentacle thingies staring you down while you eat isn't all that appetizing.
We came back here and I needed a nap very badly, when I woke up my brothers husband was back from visiting his family. We headed off to the grocery store, rented a movie, made dinner and just relaxed. By the way, the movie Friends with Money sucks ass so hard it loses it's pucker. Maybe it was just my mood, but the characters were just pissing me off so I went to bed.
Who knows what today will bring. I'm the only one awake, and it looks like it's going to be a decent day weather wise. I'm dying to go do the museum and art gallery thing. Being stuck out in the cornfields with rednecks for a year and a half makes Donna a bored and unhappy girl. Being back home where I have more going for me makes me feel good.
So uh...wish me luck on the job hunt this week. I hope to find something soon. My dad even has a car for me, it just needs a motor in it which he has already, just needs to find a spot to be able to work on it for me.
Lets hope this week brings much less chaos. Gawd. I love my family..but they sure are crazy motherfuckers!
Bitchin' sweet bitchin'
I'm still at Shida's place. I'm having such a good time just being here, doing nothing except hanging out. We did go to a few stores, then went to see her girlfriend at work before coming back here.
UGH Ontario went non smoking completely. I forgot about that. Fuck, I was waiting outside the bank smoking a cigarette and I was getting the dirtiest looks from people. I gave the looks right back. Outside is the only god damned place I can peacefully (and legally) smoke a cigarette while out doing stuff, and I am damned well going to enjoy my cig to the fullest.
Today I'm just feeling very defensive. I'm just wanting an argument, but I'm not about to piss off the very people who helped me get out of my situation just because I feel like it. Yeah I can have my immature moments. I think we all have our moments, and dammit I want mine! Heh, ah well..time to go out for a cigarette. At least I'm getting my fill of Tim Hortons coffee again. :)
Dooood spark 'er up!
It's nice to be home!
I've been back since late late Wednesday night. I've been spending time at the cottage with friends, now I'm hangin out at Shida's place.
It's so weird being back here..even after only a year and a half of being in the states, nothing is familiar to me around here anymore. It's almost like I'm discovering a new place after having deja vu.
I was going to spend last night at my parents place, but I chose not to afterall. On home turf my mother has the ability to treat me like a 14 year old and get mad when I bring up the fact that I don't need her to direct my life. Ugh I hate that.
My plan right now is to spend a week or two doing sweet fuck all. I'm just going to visit friends and family. My brother is dying to see me. He got royally pissed off (and he can be a royal bitch when provoked) that I wasn't coming to spend the weekend with them in Toronto. So I'm going to be going there next weekend.
Oh ok, my point that I was trying to make is that once I get done with the visits and all that I'm going north to look for work. Rent is cheaper up there, the scenery is nicer. Lots of rock, lakes, rivers, and woods. My kinda place.
I love my family and all, but I'm finding that I just want to go away and live by myself for a while. Some place I can decorate to my tastes, a place where I can leave my clean home in the morning and come home to a clean place without stupid empty beer cans all over the place.
Each day I'm feeling better about the whole situation. I don't hate him. I'm way far from perfect, and I will admit that I had a feeling that things weren't going to work out, that something was going to happen. I'm just so completely pissed that I didn't leave sooner. I'm pissed that he went behind my back and did what he did, instead of just telling me he was unhappy and wanted to get out of it. I guess he figured that he could have a good wife at home, and go get his cheap thrills elsewhere, and I'd be none the wiser.
I do know that I am the better person in this. I had my eyes open going into it, and ending it my eyes were so open I was bug eyed!
I'd better quit typing here. Shida had to go pick some stuff up at the store, so I figured I'd use the computer for a bit. Gonna be a fun weekend!
I hope everyone has a good weekend, and soon enough I'll be able to make my rounds through bloglines or my blogroll to see what everyone else is up to.
Everything looks better in the morning!
Wow! You know...considering that the past 24 hours have been the shits, I'm feeling pretty fucking good this morning.
Thanks everyone for your kind thoughts and words, it means a lot.
I couldn't get to sleep until about 4 a.m, I had a wicked killer headache, and my jaw hurt from clenching my teeth so much. So before falling asleep, I did get maybe three boxes packed. Mostly clothes, but I'm leaving all non important shit. All the kitchen stuff that my mother bought us for Christmas is coming with me. I'll need it when I get into my own place. Before I came into the picture he never cooked for himself, and he had these ratty looking pots and pans. He can keep those. I'm not taking anything that was solely his. I'm not gonna clean him out. I'm just not dirty like that. I'm better than him. I'll take what I need to get myself started.
All I can say is thank gawd for the Vonage activity log, otherwise I would never had a clue what was going on. Oh yeah cell phone call from an unknown number at 3 in the morning, then a call from the Holiday Inn Express at 7 something that morning, while I was away. I called the cell phone, actually talked to the person. This person got all flustered and hung up..so I pretty much knew it.
I was napping on the couch when he came home. When I woke up one of his buddies were here, and they were drinking as usual, so I waited until dude left so I could confront him. He denied everything at first, but I didn't believe him and said so. He finally admitted it to me. First promise he made me was that he'd never smoke crack again. We did it a few times, and I was starting to want it too much so I cut it off right there. I refused to let myself become an addict. We both promised each other that we wouldn't do it again. Well sure enough, the dumbass forgot to wipe off the coffee table and there were crumbs of rock and bits of powder...DUMBASS! As if I wouldn't notice that. So there's the first promise made and broken.
Second promise is that he wouldn't fool around on me behind my back. We had talked about possibly having a fling with someone, or another couple, but TOGETHER you know. I told him the idea was kinda hot, but I don't know if I could handle it and all that, so we never went for it. So he went out and had his own fun. Second promise broken.
Then when I confronted him about it, he said he didn't do anything but sleep all weekend. I told him he's a dumbass and he'd better fess up. I told him I knew he was doing crack and he admitted to doing one hit. That was a lie. He finally admitted to actually buying some. Then he denied that he met up with anyone and I basically called him a bullshitter and then he said he met up with this person, but didn't do anything. I called him on his bullshit again and he finally admitted that he did fool around on me.
There's three types of people in life that I want nothing to do with. Liars, cheaters, and thieves! He's two of those three, and I'm not stickin around to put up with it. I've put up with his miserable lazy ass for a year and a half. Changed my whole sleep schedule just to make sure he made it to work on time. I cooked and cleaned without complaint. I made his lunches for work, and made sure his keys, glasses and everything were where he could find them. I put up with him drinking all the time, no sex, no love really at all. Fuck I even washed his shitty fucking underwear and this was the thanks I got? Seems like he wanted a mama, not a wife!
Believe me, before I met him I was completely undomesticated. I never cooked or cleaned, someone else always did that. I did what I wanted, went where I wanted, when I wanted. I changed my whole life to suit him, and now I'm taking it back.
So the whole point of this post is to say that yeah, I'm a bit angry and hurt, but the best thing of all is I'm free. I have MY OWN life back, and boy am I going to enjoy it!
All that and a bag of chips!
Well the decision was made for me.
I probably won't be posting for a while until I'm able to get my life in order.
Brian and Marc are coming down in the morning to get me, and my stuff out of here. It's nice to know that I've got good friends like that in my life.
Bottom line is, after my two posts earlier I saw some inbound and outbound calls to and from some numbers I didn't know. Came to find out that he was into some drugs during the weekend, and also cheated on me. That just killed any feelings I had for him right then and there. Sad thing is..I was even more angry over the fact that he denied it to begin with, then turned around and told me he loved me. Fuck that!
It's gonna be a long couple of days for me, so I'd either better get some sleep, or start packing. I'll find a way to keep in touch with all of you. I've got three or four offers from friends and relatives to stay with them for a bit...so it wont be long until I'm back online. Also you can reach me at ruadorklikeme@hotmail.com.
See ya's!
I'm over my pissy ass mood now..have been for a while. I've just been tidying up, and thinking about stuff.
Oh yeah, and eating chocolate. Haha!
Ok seriously now, Yeah I'm in a better mood, yet underneath is still so much doubt about everything. I just don't know which direction to go. Being in doubt of myself, about my life is driving me completely up the wall.
Maybe it's just me, but if you're constantly questioning something, questioning your faith in it...doesn't it feel like if you're doing that, then something has to be wrong?
From day one I've done nothing but question myself on the whole situation. Something just seems off, almost wrong. It's so fucking strange to question my intuition.
Good Morning
So, it's Monday, and I'm back in town.
Got back yesterday morning around 7 am. We did an overnight drive from Durham, N.C. Stayed in a hotel to sleep for a few hours before we all went for our farewell breakfast at IHOP.
Now tell me this...why didn't I just keep on going straight for the border? I am miserable and have been since getting home and everyone left to go back to Canada. This weekend was just so awesome. It was good to be around people that aren't miserable from the time they wake up until they go back to bed. I felt the most alive I have felt in months.
We didn't do anything really special, we just shopped, hung out around the pool at the hotel, went to a college football game, and hung out with Shida's mom.
I get home and he's cranky..says he's sick, but yeah right. He just pretty much slept around the clock for three days...yeah I'm sure it feels good to sleep a lot, but when you wake up it does make ya feel kind of icky. So it's his own damn fault. Don't make me feel bad for being happy to see you motherfucker!
Yeah I'm feeling it a lot...I hate being around someone who is so fucking chronically cranky that they can't even crack a smile when I say or do something silly. Hey, I get cranky too, but I go and just get over it instead of passing on the feeling to others. I just checked my bank account to see if I had enough money in there to get a bus ticket back to Toronto, but of course as is my luck there is not enough. My good ol reliable flight instinct (when the going gets tough I take off) is kicking into overdrive and I'm not liking this feeling of being torn between two options.
Option #1: Go back, live at home again for a while and have the stress of mom, but also having the option to work, dowhat I want, go where I want, when I want, and being able to just get the hell out for a while with friends, or just go to my special spot to unwind.
Option #2: Stay here with Mr. Miserable, have no life except for him, the kitties, and the stupid computer, and become Mrs. Miserable instead of Mrs. Happy & Optimistic, and have a complete fucking breakdown.
Ok, yeah I see it. There really is nothing to compare...one option completely outweighs the other. Am I stupid or something. Hell, I don't know.
Now I see where the worry I had before going on the trip came from. For some silly reason I wanted to go, yet I didn't want to go at the same time. It was constantly in the back of my mind until we got on the road. Now I know why. I'd have a taste of freedom, and an actual real life...ooh imagine that. And I'd want more! Boy, do I ever want more!
Ok, It's not all about roses, and 24/7 smiles and all that shit. I don't want to go back just so I can do some partying or any of that. It would just be nice to wake up, and offer someone a cup of coffee without being growled at. Be nice to just ask any type of question without being grumped and growled at. Fuck him!!
Y'know. This post was supposed to be all about the weekend in N.C. and how much fun we had, but I've been totally bummed out since he woke up and went to work that I just don't feel like typing happy thoughts right now.
